I lay there wondering how long it will be before I leave here. I do not seem to have the energy to get up. At least not right away. The back of my neck feels wet. Cold sweats? I sense a presence. I am not afraid. Spirits have visited before. This is different.
“Are you Death?” I heard myself asking as an unease crimped my breathing.
I fluff my pillow, turning it over as I do so. I sit up a bit higher to ease the suffocating pain.
“No, I'm not.”
“Who are you, then?”
“You know me. I am loneliness. We've been together for a while.”
“So we have.”
That conversation along with the restlessness of the night ends with a groan as I roll out of bed. I throw my robe around me, tie the sash tight, hoping it will ease the pain. It does not. I shuffle into the kitchen. It's three o'clock. Turn on the coffee pot.
People just do not understand. It's absolute deprivation-a desolation-that's what loneliness is-a dissolving of life. It is dangerous. It's dangerous because it can become an addiction in that it fosters the idea of worthlessness in your life. You do not have to glue yourself to the television and listen to the killings and disaster circumnavigating the globe. It's dangerous to cultivate that behavior because it can become addictive and that removes any potential with an interactive contact with real people. Further, it may set up suicidal tendencies, I am not either one-addicted or suicidal. So what do I do to survive?
To survive, to exist and for what reason God only knows you have to make a significant effort. It's an absolute necessity. So what do I do? And what should you do? Begin each day with gratitude. That's a nice platitudinal comment. I do not recommend saying you are grateful for being alive. Instead, take a small step at a time. Each morning as I look out my window I see beauty even on a rainy, cloudy and windy day. I say, “thank you.” I image the great cedars are doing a dance. I watch the eagles float on the high winds. Even with little steps, you can cover a large territory. And it's that way with changing your outlook on life.